Undecided

Hmm... Kaya ko ba ito?
Baka naman gusto ko lang ito kasi at least meron, for the time being.
What if I don't want this in the long run?
Lagi ko nalang iniisip "one step at a time"... until matapos,
pero what if I looked back, and decide na ayoko pala nito?
Then, I would realize that life just passed me by.

Cross Roads

I passed the board. Yey!

Now, what do I want in life?
Do I want to go into residency? And specialize? Specialize on what exactly?

Surgery takes too long a time.
My ideal would be OB, because cases are similar, it has a medical and surgical side. BUT, there are too much OBs out there.
I know I won't go into pedia... well, because... I hate computations? It's hard to get an accurate history from them? They are not simply "younger" adults.
I though about going to ENT because it has a medical and surgical side, too. According to a resident, I could train in Europe for 6-12 mos, and I would become a plastic surgeon! Wow! That's the specialty I want if ever I wanted surgery. But, just like ophtha, I need equipment to start my practice, and well, I didn't really find it easy to use such equipments. I also do not like studying the head part basically.
Since I am undecided, I thought about IM. After all, if all else fails, the point of whole medical school simply revolve around this, right? Also, most of I know would generally benefit from this, since most of my friends would be adults! And try ko lang, if after 3-4 yrs, I'm still undecided, at least I finished IM correct? Then it would be to pick another subspec such as endo or maybe the depressing hema-onco... Both diseases run in the family.

But what about Emergency Medicine? Positive points would be I would know how to treat an acute emergency wherever I go (but then again, all doctors should know this!), it's exciting that I think the years will fly by, and it has a surgical and medical field too. Negative points would be that after residency, what will I become? ER Med are usually associated with a hospital, or working abroad. ER Med is not that develop in the Philippines. I also read that if I want to earn money, ER Med would be good... Probably because it's a growing specialty in the Philippines, and maybe in the future, all hospitals will really be manned by ER Med...
But I also do not have regularly follow-up patients. (Except maybe if I was in the province practicing, and I have my own outpatient clinic.)

Anyway, I applied for ER Med in St Luke's and IM in Capitol.

But I'm not really sure.
Really? What I want is to work for a while. Or travel. Or both, such as work somewhere new.
That's why, I really want to pass this job interview and hope I could be a cruise MD!
Apparently, not everyone who submits their requirements are given interview opportunities!

So yeah, I think Cruise MD is my first choice.
Then, maybe I will take up my cousin with her offer for a moonlighting stint at Naga.
I don't know... And then, I haven't really thought... what if St Luke's or Capitol calls me?
Do I pick my moonlighting stint over them?
Well, if it's Cruise MD, I think I shall...
After all, I did promise to myself I will have my one year of rest, right? =)

Grr...

Hay...
School na naman!
Ang bilis talaga!
I didn't think that staying in the province would be so short...
Although Baguio din iyon kaya siguro hindi ganoon kabagal ang buhay hehe
I just love LOVE the mountains
Miss ko na ulit...
Pero before school REALLY starts, huling hirit pa this weekend!
Haha talagang umuwi lang ako to enroll! Tapos alis din the next day...

I really don't like to go back to school anymore!! I want to stay in the "province" huhuhu

Mind Over Matter Works! maybe... a little too much?

Do you know why you're sad?
Because you're thinking about things that make you sad.
Try not to think about the things that make you sad.
Think of the positive side of things.
Or don't think at all.
Be in the moment!

Probably, the reason why I'm not sad for sometime is because I don't think about things. I just do what I need to do, my errands, my things-to-do, and read the things I make myself read! Now, it's finished, and the four tests was done for today, and there's nothing really to do for tomorrow.

Good thing that my classmate had a gathering, and our subsec was invited! Atleast that kept me from being bored... and thinking... or feeling sorry for myself. So actually, I'm not really sad haha But... Got a text from someone saying that the person's sad and feeling lonely. I thought to myself... if I wasn't with my subsec... what would I be doing? Would I also feel sad because I don't have things to do and I have free time to think? No, I still have some downloads to watch hehe

However, kahit kasama ang subsec, shucks! Sad to say, pero medyo sad din ang topic ng streams of chismis namin! Great... So para my ma-offer na words of wisdom, I have to un-block all those thoughts, put myself in that sorry position... and though to myself how I hate that position! and I hate remembering! While talking and opening up, meron na naman akong natutunang bago sa sarili ko. Grabe, kahit same iyong situation, I still learned something new. Hay... In the midst of remembering and feeling sad, I felt myself blocking unconsciously so I won't feel too sad to breakdown.

Yesterday, I was cleaning my files and came across a YM conversation with a friend. The conversation took place during those sad confusing times. I tried to read it all, tried to ease myself and see how I'm feeling... but no. I didn't finish the whole set... Maybe because I have lots of stuff to do for the next day. (Whew! Sigh of relief at may distractions ako why I really didn't really read the whole thing!) Or maybe something else? Well, I don't want to know about the something else, I guess... As I said, blocking unconsciously and letting myself be blocked.

The question is... how long do I keep blocking myself from me?

Obviously, I won't go through those old files for now because even though there's really nothing to do for tomorrow, I still have my downloads to watch :) so no need to feel sad! haha at least not for tonight...

Pre-Sem Break Hang-Over

Woke up with my head feeling heavy and a bit throbbing at the sides... Parang may hang-over ako... Bakit naman? I didn't drink last night, regardless of the temptation and the mood...

Is it because of my misdeeds yesterday? (Ha! Ano kaya iyon? hehe)

Or because I was inviting everyone the intense wish to drink? (Unfair! Experienced the hang-over first hindi ko man lang na feel ang euphoric effects of drinking?)

Maybe it's because I slept for only a few hours yesterday and the day before that and before that... (Kaso hindi ba ginagawa ko nmn ito tlga in med school? I don't feel any "hangovers" from coffee or lack of sleep before)

Or it could be due to too much studying!! (Woo hoo!!! Does that mean I'm excused NOT to study??!)

Or is it still because of progesterone? (Yep, blame it on nature)

I go for the fourth reason... haha

Lead me to sleep

I hate progesterone!!!

Argh... I hate these times of the month... They drive me crazy... and I drive everyone else around me crazy. I just feel so agitated and angry and really passionate... I just can't study... So many feelings inside of me ready to burst...

Gusto ko nalang ata tumakbo to let off these steam... Right here in the middle of timog and tomas morato!! Yeah... weird girl running around... haha

Hopefully, this gets over soon... sometime before the exams begin on Monday...

Again?!

Shucks! I hope nothing's wrong. Hopefully, they get back from the hospital soon enough.

Stupid me! I didn't know! I'm supposed to be the one in med school here. And I didn't see it. I thought it was just something light, because she just continued her day the next day. Now she's in the hospital.

Don't tell me it's happening all over again! I'm not sure I can take it again! Bkt ganun? Always coinciding??! Last year, TWO major setbacks in my life occuring at the SAME time, ngayon ANOTHER PAIR?! And medyo same time of the year din. Pucha! Yearly na ba ito? Ano ba! Now, that I think of it. Buti hindi masyado naka affect sa work ko last year. Pero kaya ko pa ba?? When knowing the one of problems already became worse. Bwisit! Kaya ko pa ba ito?! Another PAIR!? Hate it!

Just thinking of the possibilities and what-ifs making me cry already! Told myself to get a grip! It's going to be fine... Just breathe... don't jump into conclusions... huhuhuhu Hopefully, Nina will saw them soon, so she'll text me na and tell me what's happening. The suspense is what's making me anxious and thinking of a lot of other things.

Try to study nalang... Or think of the differentials for severe vertigo for 2 days that would warrant consult at a hospital in a post-menopausal woman...

Time will only heal you if you allow yourself to be healed

Cool! Meron palang ganito! Sige nga, gamitin ko nga!!

Since thinking doesn't work, what am I to do?

Get drunk

 

 1

Pray that you could live years ahead in the future

 

 0

Run! Exercise supposed to clear your mind... while you're running anyway...

 

 3

Keep on distracting yourself (study na for next sch year! eeww...)

 

 2

Cry it out after getting drunk

 

 1

Get a summer job

 

 0

Don't go on outings anymore

 

 0

Don't do karaoke anymore

 

 0

Move on and get a new identity

 

 1

TRY to get drunk at least

 

 0

Funny thing about time... Sometimes it seems like it never ends.
Sometimes it seems like it goes too fast. Even, sometimes both things
occur at the same time!



My first blog entry is private, so baka wala masyadong maka gets hehe I
wrote it last sem break pa; Oct 20 nakasulat doon. And hanggang ngayon,
that same topic pa rin ang iniisip ko hanggang ngayon. So I guess buong
vacation, that same question pa rin ang pag-iisipan ko sa buong
vacation. Parang walang effect ang time. I'm still as confused as
before. I still don't know what I want.



Sabi nga nila, time will only heal you if you allow yourself to be
healed. How do I do that? Makakausap ko ba ang time? "Time, heal me!
I'm all ready for the healing part!" Pwede ba iyon? Pwede ko kayang
i-mind over matter ang sarili ko, in case na hindi pa nga ako ready ma
heal? How do I do that? Akala ko ba nasa stage na ako ng acceptance...
or is this denial in disguise?



Argh... Pinag-isipan ko pa ito ng pumunta ako ng bakasyon. And what do
I get? Still nothing!! I missed a lot of things by staying by myself,
being alone, and thinking about it. Pero nada tlga! Bwisit! I can't
even get drunk... which is worse, I think.



So what do I do now? Keep on distracting myself? Actually when I was
thinking by myself, I kept on thinking mas maganda sana kung may kasama
ako, someone to talk to. But I know that it's hard for me to open up
and talk... Because I don't want to and I was brought up not to cry
anyway. Even when I know I needed to let it out. I needed to cry. But
it just feels awkward. So even if there was someone with me to walk
with, I think I'll just distract myself and talk about other mundane
safe things.



On the early part of the night, I mixed rhum with coffee and milo and I
think it was the reason why I was up until 430am, even though everyone
else was already asleep by 330. So I just went outside, went stargazing
and wished that I could just fall asleep there. I tried to think, but I
keep getting distracted with other thoughts.



You see, I kept remembering my first time when I did stargazing. It was
the first outing at Gabby's in Tali, and I was with a group of ppl, but
I remember Tin Semilla and Myke the most. Kasi at some point, the three
of us were the only ones up and they were trying to sleep na. Hindi pa
rin ako inaantok noon, but I quieted down so that they could sleep. Eh
na bore ako, so pinipitik ko iyong metal thing behind my head. Tapos
natawa sila kasi bigla nalang may nag "ting ting ting ting" diyan eh
akala nila matutulog na rin ako.



The first outing, I wasn't sure if I was going to go since wala ako
ka-close sa mga Ateneo ppl at the time. Pumunta lang ako kasi sabi ng
isa. But it was really fun... Actually, it's one of my favorites...



See?? Distracting myself from the real issue at hand here. Focus em, focus!